Within a marriage, there are many potential financial landmines, so to speak.
Two of the biggest ones are:
-secretly running up debt and hiding purchases
-having vastly different money styles, i.e., one is a saver and one is a spender
My husband and I don’t have those two big issues, thankfully, but we do have another financial issue.
I handle the finances including making the budget, paying bills, finding money to snowflake, and monitoring our debt repayment. I am the one who stresses when there isn’t enough money to cover basic expenses or when our emergency fund dips precariously low. I am also the one who does most of our household spending such as buying groceries, clothes, and gas. My husband doesn’t spend much at all, which makes my job a bit easier.
However, one thing that drives me crazy is that whenever I express concerns about our finances, my husband simply says, “Don’t worry; things will work out.”
I know they will work out eventually. Eventually we will be out of debt; eventually he will have a permanent research job; eventually the kids will all be in school so I can do my work full-time. I am not worried about eventually; I am worried about now, and unfortunately, hearing, “Don’t worry; things will work out” drives me crazy.
Anyone here with me? Anyone experience the same issue?
I had to laugh when someone at Daily Worth, a community of woman who talk about money, asked the question, “Should He Be as Worried as I Am?” written by a woman just like me who handles the finances and has a carefree boyfriend who tells her not to worry, that things will turn out just fine. I could completely relate.
Whenever I get frustrated that my husband is so carefree and unconcerned with our finances, I think two things. First, I am glad that he isn’t a spender and is an optimist. Second, I think of the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where money is tight and Ray complains to Debra about her money management skills. She gets mad and has Ray pay the bills for a month. He, in turn, messes up the checkbook so badly that he has to create a second, fake, check registry to make it look like he is doing just fine. Debra is impressed–until the lights go out because he hasn’t paid the electric bill. Do you remember that episode?
Perhaps men and women are just hardwired differently to deal with money, or maybe it just comes down to who is the financial geek in your family.
What are your thoughts? Do you and your spouse differ significantly about how you perceive money?
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This sounds very familiar. 😉 I pay all the bills and manage the finances so Mr. LH is always so blaze about money. I would never hand over the checkbook to him, but sometimes I just want him to be realistic!
Exactly! I can see why Debra hands over the checkbook in Everybody Loves Raymond, but it wouldn’t be good if I handed it all over to my husband. He has admitted he would probably forget to pay the bills.
While not different, I wouldn’t say that our viewpoint is a perfect match. It’s good enough to be compatible but she is more long term focused where I’m more short term focused than she is.
It’s the same in my marriage. One thing that bugs me is that my husband always complements me on what a good job I do with our finances. It’s two-fold: a: it’s nice for him to say and for him to trust me that much, but I don’t feel I do nearly as good a job as I should, so I feel guilty every time he says it (probably my problem rather than his!) and b:, the weight is always on my shoulders. However, I could not stand to not know what is going on, and if I’m honest, I don’t think I could stand to not have control. As a software engineer, I’m destined to always be the Geek in our relationship anyway. 🙂
Yes, I complain, but I like having control of the money. I guess in that sense I sort of ask for the stress, but he has flat out told me he has no interest in handling the budget.
I definitely worry more than my husband when it comes to finances. It irritates me to no end when we have a credit card balance that can’t be immediately paid off. He doesn’t seem to worry at all. I haven’t come to a solution though as to how to get him to care more and that frustrates me too!
Both my husband and I worry about our finances so much each month. Will things work out? I don’t know. I’ve followed your online reports for quite a while now. Our situation is much worse than yours. Right now I am robbing peter to pay paul. I do this every month.
You were referring to a TV episode. I remember on 2 and a Half Men when Charlie finds out he is broke and Alan gets extremely worried, and all Charlie keeps saying is “something will turn up”. I would love to be that carefree… Not to sound like a complete DebbieDowner, but when will something turn up??
I have been in the robbing Peter to pay Paul situation, and it was so stressful. I sympathize with you. I hadn’t seen that episode of 2 and a Half Men, but your right, it would be nice to be that carefree sometimes. Better than staying awake at night worrying about money.
I could have written this post! While my husband and I are totally on the same page about managing our finances, I do all the work – which means he is totally laid-back, nonchalant about it all. I’ll ask him a question or express a concern, and he just says, “Oh, it’ll be fine, honey.” Maybe it will be – but I want someone to stress along with me!
Exactly! I guess it wouldn’t be good if two of us were stressing, but sometimes I think it would make me feel better. 🙂
I sympathize! I keep our budget, and while he’s not a huge spender, he doesn’t pay attention to how much we have in each category, and I hate saying “no”. Difficult sometimes!
We used to be this way only he did the money and I took care of everything else. Then we started having our finance date night once a week and everyday in the morning we go over the numbers for the day. We are not always 100% on track but the stress level for me has gone way down. Also when I need reassurance or a hug just because I am getting overwhelmed I have learned to ask. Like he says he is not a mind reader. I have also told him that I don’t like it when he says “It will all work out.” I already know that but in the mean time tell me we will work through it together. One big plus is that we communicate about the money and share the responability with each other much better than when we were first married.
Good tips. I will have to try some of the strategies you mention.